This blog is my journey from being weak to strong- mentally and physically. There is so much that I want to talk about. I was never good with papers. I would always write the way that I talk. And I talk a lot. I guess we will see how this goes (yikes!) But I want to get everything out on the table.
Regarding fitness (which the blog will mostly be about), I have always been athletic. By that I mean that I was in sports from before I can remember. My dad really wanted me to excel in sports. I was raised to work extremely hard for what I wanted. But I also felt like I was never, ever good enough. I felt that I could never lose. I remember playing softball games in the summer. I would cry every single time my team lost. I felt like I let everyone down, like it was my fault and my fault alone that we lost. I remember one of my coaches being really concerned about me since I would take losses so hard.
This mentality of never, ever being good enough, stuck with me for QUITE sometime.
The first sport I played was most likely soccer. Probably pee-wee somewhere in Worthington, Ohio. I never had a nac for soccer. I would kick the ball and it literally would go ten feet. I thought there was something wrong with my hips. I could run really fast for my age so the coaches just let me play (probably run around in circles). But I got to play soccer with the boys so I would run extra fast just to beat them! Luckily, to my parents' pleasure, my sister got the soccer jeans in the family. And she wore them well!! Full ride in soccer for college. Now, that's awesome!
In middle school, I played soccer (because all the cool kids did), basketball (because all the cool kids did) and softball (because all the girls did - plus I loved it). I went to a small catholic school and loved every single minute of it. Like honestly, every single minute of it. I grew up with the most fun, loving people that I will ever know. Although I do not keep in touch with them, they will always be a part of me. I will never forget the championship games, our super-cool cheers, and heartbreaking losses. I loved all the sports I played. I was fast, and I was
really good.
I went to Bishop Watterson for my freshman year. Once high school hit, some of us girls tried out for field hockey (side note, our varsity field hockey team won States that year. States people!!!!) I got on the JV team with my friends. I also played softball in the spring. I was good at both but always felt like I could never be as strong as the other girls. I never had muscle per say. I also had gained a lot of weight in high school. I would eat carbs like crazy. I remember being really anxious a lot of the time, depressed and never feeling pretty enough or smart enough or good enough (this still happens every so often but I am light years from where I used to be).
High school was
really tough for me. You know how people say that middle school is a bad time for kids. Not for me. Middle school was awesome. High school was the worst time of my life. I went from being extremely confident to being depressed and anxious. I had very, very little self confidence. I wanted to be perfect and popular. That is all I thought about it. I needed people to love me. I could never be at home on a weekend night because I had to be around people, all the time. It was a horrible way to live.
It got so bad that I developed an eating disorder my senior year of high school. I also took diet pills upon diet pills because I figured if I was skinny then everyone will like me and I will be the most popular person! My grades feel through the cracks and my parents got really stressed out. I would fluctuate from being really thin to fat and then back again. If I could forget about high school, I would. But I know how far I have come, and that makes me strong.
I forgot who I was in highschool.
I had no sense of self. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I had the strongest desire to be liked by everyone. High school was devastating. Its like I was chasing after something that I could never find. I could never really find myself-
ladies and gents, it took me YEARS to find me again.
College was not much better than high school. Freshman year I went crazy with alcohol and boys. I gained A LOT of weight. I was drinking a lot and binge eating along with that. Freshman year and sophomore year were the same. I made a couple best friends (whom I still have to this day), but I was NEVER happy with me. I never looked in the mirror and was proud of what I saw. I had no self respect. I transferred schools for my junior and senior year. Ohio Wesleyan was an awesome time! I had so much fun and learned a lot (it is such a great school). But my relationships consumed me. I was still really insecure and my relationships were like rollercoaster rides.
Honestly, I do not feel like I became myself until I was 25 years old. I was a slow bloomer when it came to independency and self confidence. I felt good about myself, but I was involved in a very hostile relationship that really took a toll on me. When you let people treat you like shit, then you will start to think you are as well. I figured that I would have to stay in a bad relationship because no one would ever love me.
I needed love. I craved love. I was nothing unless someone loved me.
It took me a long time to
love me. A long time. I am 100000x more confident than I used to be. Once I started loving myself, then everything fell into place. Mostly importantly, I never had a relationship with our Lord. His love is so strong!!!!!
I am in an AMAZING relationship with my husband (just married on 9/20/2014). If I have any advice for the girls or boys out there, is to know that YOU ARE LOVED.
So I wanted to create a blog because, well, I used to always think I was WEAK. I still look at myself and think "girl, you got nooooo muscle!" Now, mind you, I am mentally strong, but I want to look in the mirror and see muscle. Not just flab and muscle somewhere in there. I hear all the time people call me "tiny" and "skinny" But I want to be RIPPED!
I want my body to be as strong as my mind!
This 60 Day Challenge, I will be following the clean eating and fitness plan created by the Chalene Johnson. The fitness incorporates pilates and yoga. The eating plan are all clean foods. By the end of these 60 days, I will look in the mirror and be proud.
I try my hardest to post daily, but at least every 3 days. I will post what I eat, my workouts and anything else I want to talk about :)
This is my 60 day journey to Chiseled-town.
